I’m almost 35 and I’m going through my second divorce. Not my first, but my second divorce… ouch. What is it about getting divorced again, that feels so shameful? Embarrassing. The idea that “I failed at this again” has crossed my mind so many times since the bid “D-word” made its way back into my life last summer. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for marriage or long-term partnership” or “maybe I’m just too hard to love long-term” have also haunted the halls of my previously hopeful romantic mind.

Funny enough, I talk to a fair share of my psychic reading clients all the time about failure and how we are not meant to fear it, but to look forward to and welcome its lessons. Furthermore, did I fail? Did our marriage fail? I used to think so, but like every good intuitive I see now in hindsight that it wasn’t about failure, it was simply only meant to last as long as it did. A hard truth to swallow when you’ve promised 2 different partners “until death do us part” at 2 different times in your life, and meant it. Alas, I am a mere mortal with human hubris and a spiritual healer with many life lessons I came to learn so I could evolve my consciousness. *shrugs* Thus like many lessons in love, this is about compassion, forgiveness, letting go, and releasing judgment.

There it is, judgment. And we humans think we have so much control over everything we might achieve perfection someday. Silliness. Judgment, however, where morality is concerned, is intrinsically rooted in our colonial programming. Yup, that’s right. This proud radical abolitionist-anarchist feminist joy kill has been upholding patriarchy by weaponizing misogyny against me. How DARE I “fail” at the institution of marriage?! Which is also colonial-patriarchal-Christian bullshit. It felt like shame, it felt unloving, and really it felt like bullshit. Fuck shame. There is nothing wrong with me, or anyone else, no matter how many divorces you’ve had. There is just colonialism, it’s in the air we breathe

How can you fail at a relationship if you were busy loving someone and doing your best? You can’t. Should I be ashamed of a second divorce? Hell no. Am I working on releasing those internalized oppressive thoughts? Absolutely. That kind of judgment is not aligned with love or my beliefs at all. Hail yourself, always.

But lessons… oh I’ve got lessons a-plenty to share. The recent Venus Retrograde transit from late 2021-now has brought all that front and center. So I’ll share them with you, in case hearing these things could bring someone comfort, self-forgiveness, or peace. Though I could easily share more than 22, that’s the number Spirit gave me, so I’m rollin’ with the first 22 lessons that came to my consciousness in no particular order (to my awareness, anyway).

22 Venus Retrograde Lessons in Love

  1. Just because they couldn’t or wouldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved (for any reason), does NOT make you any less loveable.
  2. If you are “always there” for an avoidant/distant/unavailable partner, you’re showing them they can continue to not be present in the ways that you need them… and you’ll always be there, teaching them this behavior is acceptable. (Until you eventually lose your shit, lol)
  3. Trying to make sense of a breakup, divorce, or poor behavior from someone else is often futile. If you find yourself going round and round in circles trying to make sense of it all to no avail…there may be no reason to be had or sense to be made. Best to make peace with the fact that you may never understand why, and that’s okay. You don’t need “closure” to move on.
  4. Not everyone you will be with or meet in this life is meant to walk with you all the way home. Some people are meant to walk with you for part of your/their journey, and that’s it.
  5. Loss is part of the human experience of love. Because this life is impermanent, so are all things. And therefore the reality of this life experience we are having is that like everything else we all eventually lose and have to let go of every single person we have ever loved. Read it again, babes.
  6. Love transcends impermanence. The continuity of life can be witnessed through any good evidential mediumship reading. Death is not the end, but a transition into a disembodied consciousness. Love and what you learned are really the only things we take with us on the “other side”. So while our bodies die, the living experience the loss of our embodied presence, and we transition to our energetic form, we take love with us, and love lives on in the memories of our living loved ones we temporarily leave behind in the mortal world. What is remembered, lives. And death is just a portal.
  7. We seek in our adult relationships what we were unable to receive from our parents. And we keep trying to have that need fulfilled until we find it, or until we fulfill it ourselves. Lots of people, myself included, do something called Inner-Child Work, which facilitates the type of shadow work that heals your childhood traumas and wounds. Ex: have an unavailable parent in some capacity growing up? Don’t be surprised if you chase love and give your love to partners who are unavailable in some ways. Knowing that, helps you see the pattern and then you can choose differently. Say like a partner who is completely available, present, and emotionally mature/intelligent. (Highly recommend!)
  8. Colonialism will tear us apart, not love, like Joy Division would have us believe. Think back to every relational mishap, falling-out, breaking up, estrangement, etc. and then try to find how systems of colonialism and colonial programming are the underlying culprits of destroying love. Love & relationships under colonialism are bound to be strained, tested, and sometimes dissolved by its power structures: ableism, racism, capitalism, misogyny, transphobia, imperialism, etc etc. I often see colonialism as counter-to love and nature. It’s inherently and systemically destructive, unnatural, and sociopathic.
  9. RECIPROCITY IS EVERYTHING. All of nature teaches us about our interdependence, and how reciprocity maintains balance and harmony for all living things. Nature, I find, is our best teacher as it may be the only thing inherently bereft of colonial conditioning. So if you want to restore harmony anywhere, seek the messages behind the aforementioned and restore reciprocity where you can. Or, find it elsewhere.
  10. Remember, Cis-white male mediocrity is centered and celebrated under patriarchal white supremacy. So we (including them) are conditioned to accept their mediocrity as enough. If your cis-white male partner or other relation tends to be lazy about your relationship or rest on their laurels, that’s because the world’s been giving them gold medals for doing the least since day 1.
  11. Consistently feeling the need to prove to someone why you’re worthy is a huge red flag. If you find yourself explaining, qualifying your love and how awesome you are, you’re engaging with someone who doesn’t truly value or love you. This is also likely a sign of an unhealthy pattern for those of us with anxious attachment styles and abandonment traumas that need healing. Ps- everyone has attachment styles that may vary within different relationships.
  12. An anti-racist partner is NOT enough. This world needs anti-racist accomplices, not allies. Especially for those of us in bi-racial relationships. They need to be actively educating themselves, undoing harm and taking direct actions every day to dismantle racism instead of perpetuating it.
  13. Know your attachment style(s) and understand your patterns in relationships, as well as your partners. Work on cultivating a secure-attachment relationship with yourself and together. This will help you heal from a perpetual state of trauma and heartbreak.
  14. Pursuing distant, unavailable partners is our own way of avoiding vulnerability. The ego does this to keep us “safe”, but misguidedly safe from true love, and intimacy, which requires vulnerability.
  15. Emotional safety is essential. Vulnerability and intimacy cannot flourish without emotional safety, making true love inevitably impossible.
  16. If sex is important to you, make sure you’re sexually compatible with your partner before making any long-term/legal commitments. Kinks, sex drive, sexual health intelligence, and skill in the bedroom (or wherever) can be cultivated and worked on, but only if you’re on the same page about it. I find it best personally to partner with someone who matches my drive, desire, and need for a BDSM dynamic relationship (the next article I’m writing is about this) because sex is extremely important to me. Especially since physical touch is my primary love language. And hello, my Mars is in Aries! In the 8th house!
  17. Choose a partner who generally knows what they want in love, life, and partnership. And be sure it matches or mixes well with your desires. Because ultimately, if you want to start a wolfdog sanctuary and they want to be a corporate lackey forever, things will eventually not work out. It’s simple math that the rose-tinted lenses of love can help us oversee.
  18. Emotional maturity. BOTH partners need to be able to give and receive feedback and criticism in a healthy way. Without this, it’s likely you’ll slip into an unhealthy parent-child dynamic in your relationship, because one of you will be facilitating all the growth, causing resentment and worse.
  19. ANY and all signs of violence = unsafe situation. Leave. The first time they punch a hole in the wall, shove you or otherwise make you feel unsafe, leave. It only gets worse from there, that’s a sign of abusive behavior which is really hard to leave once you’re in.
  20. Radical honesty and radical vulnerability are key components to deeply loving intimacy, and revolutionary love. The love that stands while empires fall, capitalism crumbles, and we reckon with the aftermath of colonialism.
  21. Perfection does not guarantee permanence, nothing does. You can try to do everything right, be perfect, your side of the street in your relationship can be completely clean, well-therapied even, and it could still not work out because it’s not meant to. Perhaps that person is not where you are at in terms of personal growth and development. Or, you can be the whole package – just delivered to the wrong address.
  22. Good news: Love is not a finite resource. And your person moves exactly like the love you’ve always wanted. All you need to do is keep moving toward relationships that mirror love back to you, and away from your old patterns, old pursuits, old you… and you’ll find them, or they’ll find you, often when you least expect it.

I hope what I’ve experienced and shared here is helpful in some way, And if nothing else, especially during 2022, the year of The Lovers tarot card, remember that each of us are on the journey of the heart’s path. The heart’s path is not all roses and romance, it’s about choosing love and often times choosing love when it’s not easy, when it’s painful and heartbreaking to do so. But rest assured, we walk together on this path. Choose what lights you up inside and makes you come alive, and you’ll find your way just fine. And for fucks sake, don’t get rid of your precious BDSM gear because you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone who isn’t into that. Either consider opening that relationship, or leave and find yourself the D/s dynamic of your dreams. Life is too short for less than ecstatic love. Have the audacity to hold space for that.

Mētztli Wolf

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